Friar Sam's Dram in a Pan®

Get illuminated by this flamin' good monkish delight!

OUR VERY OWN FRIAR SAM, his creative mind free to roam during his long shifts working in the Abbey mail room, recently came up with this spirited and fiery concoction, which is certain to warm your heart and soul on cold winter evenings. It was so tasty, we knew we had to share it with the world!
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Friar Sam has taken that old favorite, the bread pudding, and transformed it into a dessert fit for the Spirit! Made with wholesome malt bread, apples grown in our own Abbey orchards, and cinnamon carried back from the Holy Land by the Knights of Malt, the tasty treat is then soaked into a large vat of 12-year-old Single Malt Whisky for a minimum of 24 hours. Having fully absorbed the generous warmth of the Spirit, this monkish delight is lovingly wrapped in parchment under the direct supervision of our jovial Friar Sam. It is then shipped to you, still rich with the strength of the Spirit.
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Simply unwrap your Dram in a Pan ®, set fire to it (matches not included), and bask in its holy glow. Eat it while it is still warm with the power of the Spirit! Order yours now!

Please eat responsibly. The Caledonian Conclave, the Knights of Malt, and their affiliates are not responsible for any damage caused by improper ignition of this dessert. Always ventilate room before lighting, or conflagrations may occur.

Custom-Made Malt Rosaries

Count your Blessings!

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HAVE YOU EVER LOST TRACK of just how many the current dram is? Your problem is now solved, with the KOM offering here for the first time ever the official Conclave Malt Rosary.

Now you can 'tell' just how many glasses you have downed over the course of a spiritual evening. Count each dram on your very own Malt Rosary strung by the monks of St. Ardbeg's. Each bead is carefully chosen and strung especifically for you! These beads are lovingly formed of the peat dug from the bogs on the grounds of St. Ardbeg's. They are then glazed and fired in the same ovens that are used to bake the bread for the Refectory. The strings upon which the beads are hung are made from actual hairs pulled from the heads of the monks themselves.

Please order your very own, custom-made Malt Rosary, and drink responsibly. The monks are praying for your well-being.

Call now. Our friar-operators are standing by!

Official Conclave-Sanctioned Indulgences

Available online for the first time ever!
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IN NEED OF INSTANT REDEMPTION? There is now no need to wait, thanks to the Caledonian Conclave's new online indulgence service! Just call us and confess your sins to one of our friar-operators (long-distance charges may apply), make a donation to the Conclave's Malt Whisky Purchasing Fund (all major credit cards accepted), and receive the blessings of immediate Spiritual cleansing. A personalized certificate, just like the sample shown above, will be mailed to you, confirming that your are once more among the saved!

Don't wait! Be cleansed of your sins now!

The Johnny Walker ®

The amazing verticality-maintaining device!

Have you ever tried to commune with the Spirit late into the night, only to discover that your knees weren't up to the job? Well, your wait is over! Thanks to the Johnny Walker®, you'll be able to experience full communion while retaining your proper relationship to the vertical.

The Johnny Walker® is safe, made of flame-retardant materials, and includes two cupholders for the ultimate in convenience. Plus, it's equipped with wheels so that your designated non-worshippers will be able to wheel you home when services are over! It's wide enough not to tumble on narrow edges and hangovers -- oops! We meant overhangs! -- and is fully vetted by the KOM.

Available in Glenkinchie Green® with plaid seats (shown) or Bowmore Brown® with leather seats. Order yours now!

The KOM portable confessional

Available online for the first time!

After a lamentable evening with a blended malt (and haven't we all had one of those?), this beautiful structure designed by the Knights' own architectural firm of Slovenly, Gluttonous & Slovenly will be a sight for your very sore eyes.

Our lightweight, fully portable confessional is available in sacramental brown, with a fully corrugated floor and heavy duty slat-wood foundation just like those found on the grounds of St. Ardbeg's! Easily cleaned with a damp cloth and bucket, the fiber walls are even replaceable in the instance of a truly fulminant confession.

The Knights have sprinkled the walls of every sacred booth with holy Spirits and prayerfully blessed each confessional prior to shipping. We are confident that the forgiveness you seek in our confessionals will be complete and of the greatest comfort in your time of need.

Take one to your next party!

Contact the KOM for price and availability.

(Some assembly required. Penitents not included. Custom grillwork available at additional cost.)