MALTOIDS®!

The officially sanctioned pastille of the Knights of Malt, Opus Barlei, and the Caledonian Conclave

NOW YOU TOO CAN SAVOR THE FLAVOR that guides the faithful! Direct from the peat bogs of St. Ardbeg's, Maltoids® are here.

Just slip one of these mighty lozenges in your mouth and feel the awsome fury of the Spirit. Infused with malt, peat, and the purest water from the bog springs of St. Ardbeg's, Maltoids® can make even a mundane mouth feel moved by the Spirit.

A ribald joke passed amongst the monks goes something like this: "Is that a tin of Maltoids in your femoralia, or are you just committing a venial sin?" Seriously though, no monk would be caught out without a tin of our little tablets blessed by the abbott himself. And now you can have the exquisite experience of the Spirit even when the thing itself is unavailable. Try Maltoids®, the Furiously Strong lozenges!

Available in individual tins or cases of 144 for the true believer.

WARNING! The monks of St. Ardbeg's recommend that Maltoids® not be partaken of while operating heavy equipment, driving or speaking with an officer of the court. Ecstatic visions may occur if the recommended daily allowance of Maltoids® is exceeded. The brothers encourage everyone to partake responsibly.

MALT ATOMIZER

Enjoy a moment of peace!

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HAVE YOU EVER wanted to spend a few precious moments of spiritual bliss, only to find yourself interrupted by the uninitiated? Does the endless noise of modern existence ever make your time with the Spirit too tumultuous to be enjoyed? Put plainly, do you ever need to create a manly space for yourself, uncrowded by the women in your life? Well, have we got the gift for you!

Islay de Toilette, in its special handmade atomizer: guaranteed to clear any room of excess estrogen in just a few minutes! Interchangeable cartridges enable you to infuse your personal space with a perfect potpourri of manly fragrances: Eau de Cigare, Essence de Leather, and the ineffable cloud of uisge beatha combine to make your space really your space.

Clinical tests have demonstrated that a five-minute application is sufficient to repel 95.67% of female subjects; an additional two minutes fully expell every last trace of womanhood from the atmosphere.

The Malt Atomizer's cyclotron cartridges are easily replaceable (with the proper protective equipment and government license - also available by mail from St. Ardbeg's) and available by the case from the stores at the Knights of Malt Merchandise Mart. The wife/girlfriend model will suffice for a 15'x15' room; please order the jumbo mother-in-law size for larger rooms or persistent nagging.

Our monks understand: they are standing by. Call today!