Knights of Malt Merchandise Mart

2009-01-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

WELCOME TO OUR NEW MERCHANDISE PAGE!

THIS IS THE NEW WEBPAGE for the merchandizing division of the Caledonian Conclave, operated by the Knights of Malt. This page is still under construction, but please visit often as we add dozens of products officially sanctioned by the Caledonian Conclave. Whether you're looking for an indulgence for overindulgence, a set of Conclave-sanctioned beer-goggles, or even a malt rosary to track your drams throughout the evening, accept no substitute, and always ask for the Knights of Malt label!

2008-12-24T14:23:00.000-08:00

THE "THOUSAND AND ONE KNIGHTS" SERIES

Order your copy online!

THIS FAMOUS ROMANCE SERIES needs no introduction. With such famous titles as Knight of Passion, Knights in Rodanthe, and Six Days, Seven Knights, Danielle Brown's characters have won the hearts of readers worldwide. Even the Sisters of the Still have been known to sneak the odd copy into their convent! After all, who can resist a hunky knight?

Danielle Brown's latest novel, In the Heat of the Knight, is certain to please her fans. With a classic mix of intrigue, adventure, mysterious gypsies, and sweaty knights in loincloths, this is the one the ladies have been waiting for! It also avoids the complex theological issues that Ms. Brown unsuccessfully attempted to weave into the plot of her previous novel, Long Dark Knight of the Soul.

Currently in the works are two more additions to the series: Knight of the Iguana and A Knight to Remember. Please visit this website often as we add those titles and more!

2008-11-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

THE ONE-KNIGHT STAND®!

As used during holy offices at the Monastery of Malt

OF COURSE, WE DO HAVE LARGE PULPITS and choir-size lecterns, but many of the smaller priories and abbeys of the Caledonian Conclave have no need of such elaborate contraptions. Instead, a simple one-knight stand, as first developed by the Knights of Malt, does very nicely indeed.

Now, you too can enjoy the fine craftsmanship of this piece of ecclesiastical furniture and celebrate your own private hours, from matins to vespers! Select pieces of hardwood and fine veneers give the one-knight stand a smart, yet traditional appearance. Its large surface will accomodate any holy book, up to folio size. And two convenient chalice-holders keep the Spirit well at hand!

Tuck this little treasure into a bare corner of your living room and begin living your very own malted dream. Specially constructed of oak timbers designed to support the most portly knight. Complete with a fine cupboard beneath the lectern for holding your collection of malts. This pulpit is fully self-contained for those long, long sermons on the gifts of the Spirit which you will soon be able to bestow upon friends and family.

Our One-Knight stand arrives at your door ready for assembly. We even include a small sampler of some of the monastery's best bottles to imbibe whilst constructing your private spiritual haven. All holes are pre-drilled so your screws will be straight even when you aren't!

2008-07-29T21:44:00.000-07:00

MALTOIDS®!

The officially sanctioned pastille of the Knights of Malt, Opus Barlei, and the Caledonian Conclave

NOW YOU TOO CAN SAVOR THE FLAVOR that guides the faithful! Direct from the peat bogs of St. Ardbeg's, Maltoids® are here.

Just slip one of these mighty lozenges in your mouth and feel the awsome fury of the Spirit. Infused with malt, peat, and the purest water from the bog springs of St. Ardbeg's, Maltoids® can make even a mundane mouth feel moved by the Spirit.

A ribald joke passed amongst the monks goes something like this: "Is that a tin of Maltoids in your femoralia, or are you just committing a venial sin?" Seriously though, no monk would be caught out without a tin of our little tablets blessed by the abbott himself. And now you can have the exquisite experience of the Spirit even when the thing itself is unavailable. Try Maltoids®, the Furiously Strong lozenges!

Available in individual tins or cases of 144 for the true believer.

WARNING! The monks of St. Ardbeg's recommend that Maltoids® not be partaken of while operating heavy equipment, driving or speaking with an officer of the court. Ecstatic visions may occur if the recommended daily allowance of Maltoids® is exceeded. The brothers encourage everyone to partake responsibly.

2008-07-06T20:13:00.000-07:00

MALT ATOMIZER

Enjoy a moment of peace!

HAVE YOU EVER wanted to spend a few precious moments of spiritual bliss, only to find yourself interrupted by the uninitiated? Does the endless noise of modern existence ever make your time with the Spirit too tumultuous to be enjoyed? Put plainly, do you ever need to create a manly space for yourself, uncrowded by the women in your life? Well, have we got the gift for you!

Islay de Toilette, in its special handmade atomizer: guaranteed to clear any room of excess estrogen in just a few minutes! Interchangeable cartridges enable you to infuse your personal space with a perfect potpourri of manly fragrances: Eau de Cigare, Essence de Leather, and the ineffable cloud of uisge beatha combine to make your space really your space.

Clinical tests have demonstrated that a five-minute application is sufficient to repel 95.67% of female subjects; an additional two minutes fully expell every last trace of womanhood from the atmosphere.

The Malt Atomizer's cyclotron cartridges are easily replaceable (with the proper protective equipment and government license - also available by mail from St. Ardbeg's) and available by the case from the stores at the Knights of Malt Merchandise Mart. The wife/girlfriend model will suffice for a 15'x15' room; please order the jumbo mother-in-law size for larger rooms or persistent nagging.

Our monks understand: they are standing by. Call today!

2008-06-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

MALTSICLES®!
Cool, refreshing, and spirited!

How do you cool down an overheated monk? And let us tell you, it can get pretty hot toiling in the peat bogs of St. Ardbegs! At those times, only a Maltsicle® will do!

Now you too can indulge your thirst when the heat is on with the monk's own malt-on-a-stick. Our monks (like Salvatore on the left) live for a frozen delight at the end of a long, long day. Maltsicles® are made from the finest, 12-year-old single malts, and come to you straight from the freezers of St. Ardbeg's -- deep below the foundations of the Our Lady chapel.

Get refreshed! Get energized! Get a Maltsicle®!

Please use responsibly. Do not operate vehicles or heavy machinery after enjoying your Maltsicle®.

Twelve to a box. Shipped overnight via Express Mail in liquid nitrogen. Please open very carefully. Do not use sharp instruments! Do not inhale fumes from your case of maltsicles.

2008-06-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

Official Conclave Vestments
Now available online!

AS A SERVICE TO BELIEVERS EVERYWHERE, the Knights of Malt now offer official liturgical vestments for sale online. Hand-made by the reputed firm of Trombley & Son, exclusive purveyors of fine, sacred haberdashery to the Caledonian Conclave for over five hundred years, these liturgical garments are guaranteed to provide you with many years of service! All are stain-resistant and are offerred in three basic sizes: novice, monk, and abbot.

Enhance your experience of the holy Spirits by joining our monks in a habit - and not a bad one at that! Let Trombley & Son make you divinely dapper - the fulfillment of every nun's fantasy. And you can feel monkish all under with our finest jute sacramental underwear or, as our own monks call it, the "Thong of Thongs"! Also, avoid the embarrassing 'undergarment line' that will mar the look of your new cassock by purchasing only the best Trombley and Son blessed foundations made of the thinnest and silkiest sackcloth - no inappropriately-timed itches!

Suit yourself at Trombley's! And, for your next giving occasion, consider our gift certificates. Nothing says "thank you" like a brand new cassock!

2008-06-28T20:00:00.000-07:00

THE KNIGHTS OF MALT wish to thank his Holiness the Pontiff of Peat, Pope Balvenie XVI, for his unsolicited endorsement of the products on our merchandise page. The photograph above captures His Holiness' enthusiasm while showing our correspondent through the Pontifical Wardrobe, which was filled with rows and rows of immaculate Trombley & Son vestments.

Order yours today! All proceeds go, of course, solely toward glrorification of the Spirit.

Spiritum Laudamus!

2008-02-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

Friar Sam's Dram in a Pan®

Get illuminated by this flamin' good monkish delight!

OUR VERY OWN FRIAR SAM, his creative mind free to roam during his long shifts working in the Abbey mail room, recently came up with this spirited and fiery concoction, which is certain to warm your heart and soul on cold winter evenings. It was so tasty, we knew we had to share it with the world!
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Friar Sam has taken that old favorite, the bread pudding, and transformed it into a dessert fit for the Spirit! Made with wholesome malt bread, apples grown in our own Abbey orchards, and cinnamon carried back from the Holy Land by the Knights of Malt, the tasty treat is then soaked into a large vat of 12-year-old Single Malt Whisky for a minimum of 24 hours. Having fully absorbed the generous warmth of the Spirit, this monkish delight is lovingly wrapped in parchment under the direct supervision of our jovial Friar Sam. It is then shipped to you, still rich with the strength of the Spirit.
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Simply unwrap your Dram in a Pan ®, set fire to it (matches not included), and bask in its holy glow. Eat it while it is still warm with the power of the Spirit! Order yours now!

Please eat responsibly. The Caledonian Conclave, the Knights of Malt, and their affiliates are not responsible for any damage caused by improper ignition of this dessert. Always ventilate room before lighting, or conflagrations may occur.

2008-02-09T22:57:00.001-08:00

Custom-Made Malt Rosaries

Count your Blessings!

HAVE YOU EVER LOST TRACK of just how many the current dram is? Your problem is now solved, with the KOM offering here for the first time ever the official Conclave Malt Rosary.

Now you can 'tell' just how many glasses you have downed over the course of a spiritual evening. Count each dram on your very own Malt Rosary strung by the monks of St. Ardbeg's. Each bead is carefully chosen and strung especifically for you! These beads are lovingly formed of the peat dug from the bogs on the grounds of St. Ardbeg's. They are then glazed and fired in the same ovens that are used to bake the bread for the Refectory. The strings upon which the beads are hung are made from actual hairs pulled from the heads of the monks themselves.

Please order your very own, custom-made Malt Rosary, and drink responsibly. The monks are praying for your well-being.

Call now. Our friar-operators are standing by!

2008-02-09T09:50:00.000-08:00

Official Conclave-Sanctioned Indulgences

Available online for the first time ever!
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IN NEED OF INSTANT REDEMPTION? There is now no need to wait, thanks to the Caledonian Conclave's new online indulgence service! Just call us and confess your sins to one of our friar-operators (long-distance charges may apply), make a donation to the Conclave's Malt Whisky Purchasing Fund (all major credit cards accepted), and receive the blessings of immediate Spiritual cleansing. A personalized certificate, just like the sample shown above, will be mailed to you, confirming that your are once more among the saved!

Don't wait! Be cleansed of your sins now!

2008-02-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

The Johnny Walker ®

The amazing verticality-maintaining device!

Have you ever tried to commune with the Spirit late into the night, only to discover that your knees weren't up to the job? Well, your wait is over! Thanks to the Johnny Walker®, you'll be able to experience full communion while retaining your proper relationship to the vertical.

The Johnny Walker® is safe, made of flame-retardant materials, and includes two cupholders for the ultimate in convenience. Plus, it's equipped with wheels so that your designated non-worshippers will be able to wheel you home when services are over! It's wide enough not to tumble on narrow edges and hangovers -- oops! We meant overhangs! -- and is fully vetted by the KOM.

Available in Glenkinchie Green® with plaid seats (shown) or Bowmore Brown® with leather seats. Order yours now!

2008-02-06T21:49:00.000-08:00

The KOM portable confessional

Available online for the first time!

After a lamentable evening with a blended malt (and haven't we all had one of those?), this beautiful structure designed by the Knights' own architectural firm of Slovenly, Gluttonous & Slovenly will be a sight for your very sore eyes.

Our lightweight, fully portable confessional is available in sacramental brown, with a fully corrugated floor and heavy duty slat-wood foundation just like those found on the grounds of St. Ardbeg's! Easily cleaned with a damp cloth and bucket, the fiber walls are even replaceable in the instance of a truly fulminant confession.

The Knights have sprinkled the walls of every sacred booth with holy Spirits and prayerfully blessed each confessional prior to shipping. We are confident that the forgiveness you seek in our confessionals will be complete and of the greatest comfort in your time of need.

Take one to your next party!

Contact the KOM for price and availability.

(Some assembly required. Penitents not included. Custom grillwork available at additional cost.)